Co-sex Addiction or Co-dependency
Some Characteristics of a Sex Addict’s
Partner
A term that is often used to describe a woman or
a man in relationship with a sexual addict is a codependent of a sex
addict, or co-addict for short. The co-addict’s self esteem
comes from their success as a people-pleaser. Their main goal in life
is to anticipate what their partner wants, and then give it to them.
Co-addict’s are very adept at reading other people’s moods
in order to assure success at pleasing the other person particularly
the addict. Their very security depends upon pleasing the addict.
They will usually worry constantly about what the addict thinks about
them and try extremely hard not to make a mistake.
Because of these self-defeating characteristics, the co-addict
usually is much more in tune with what someone else wants than with
their own wants and needs. The underlying reason for such a belief
is the co-addict’s conviction that no one could love them just
as they are, and that they must earn love and devotion. The energy
expended on keeping the addict
“happy” can take a heavy toll on the co-addict and the
repeated efforts are often unsuccessful. She may engage in a variety
of behaviors that range from the smallest violation of her value system
to the truly dangerous and destructive. The co-addict, in an effort
to please the addict, may do some of the following things. They may
change their hair color; lose or gain weight; quit their job or go
out to work; wear sexy underwear; perform sex acts that are unpleasant
or repulsive to them; attend events that they normally wouldn’t
which shock and confuse them; swing with others; expose them self
to sexually transmitted diseases; or most importantly for a co-addict
with children, they may use them and/or ignore them in their effort
to focus on the addict-partner.
To keep their partner the co-addict will often attempt to become
indispensable to the addict. Not surprisingly, with the need to be
indispensable, the co-addict’s most constant emotional state
is one of fear and anxiety. Some of the common fears a co-addict may
experience include:
• Not being enough for him or her
• Never being able to please him or her sexually
• That there was something wrong with me
• That I was a pervert or a prude
• That I wouldn’t protect my kids if they were being hurt by him
or her
• Of his or her anger
• That he or she would give me a disease.
Living with such fears inevitably leads the co-addict to
attempt to control the addict’s behavior. Their unconscious rationale
is that if she can keep him or her within certain parameters of behavior,
they won’t have to experience their fears of inadequacy and
of being abandoned. In reality, such attempts are about as effective
as trying to keep the dam from bursting by running around and sticking
a finger in the many holes that keep appearing. Nevertheless, the
co-addict repeatedly attempts to control the addict with such behaviors
as:
• calling or messaging him several
times a day in order to find out where he or she is;
• checking the addict’s wallet or purse for tell-tale evidence;
• going through credit card receipts;
• checking items of clothing for evidence of sexual promiscuity;
• or throwing away the addicts stash of pornographic material;
• the co-addict may also become hyper-vigilant in regulating what imagery
the addict is gazing upon;
• they may also attempt to manipulate the addict’s behavior with
a variety of behaviors including acting overly understanding and/or
becoming a complainer/nagger and/or a screamer-yeller. None of which work.
