Co-sex Addiction or Co-dependency

Some Characteristics of a Sex Addict’s Partner
A term that is often used to describe a woman or a man in relationship with a sexual addict is a codependent of a sex addict, or co-addict for short. The co-addict’s self esteem comes from their success as a people-pleaser. Their main goal in life is to anticipate what their partner wants, and then give it to them. Co-addict’s are very adept at reading other people’s moods in order to assure success at pleasing the other person particularly the addict. Their very security depends upon pleasing the addict. They will usually worry constantly about what the addict thinks about them and try extremely hard not to make a mistake.

Because of these self-defeating characteristics, the co-addict usually is much more in tune with what someone else wants than with their own wants and needs. The underlying reason for such a belief is the co-addict’s conviction that no one could love them just as they are, and that they must earn love and devotion. The energy expended on keeping the addict “happy” can take a heavy toll on the co-addict and the repeated efforts are often unsuccessful. She may engage in a variety of behaviors that range from the smallest violation of her value system to the truly dangerous and destructive. The co-addict, in an effort to please the addict, may do some of the following things. They may change their hair color; lose or gain weight; quit their job or go out to work; wear sexy underwear; perform sex acts that are unpleasant or repulsive to them; attend events that they normally wouldn’t which shock and confuse them; swing with others; expose them self to sexually transmitted diseases; or most importantly for a co-addict with children, they may use them and/or ignore them in their effort to focus on the addict-partner.

To keep their partner the co-addict will often attempt to become indispensable to the addict. Not surprisingly, with the need to be indispensable, the co-addict’s most constant emotional state is one of fear and anxiety. Some of the common fears a co-addict may experience include:

• Not being enough for him or her
• Never being able to please him or her sexually
• That there was something wrong with me
• That I was a pervert or a prude
• That I wouldn’t protect my kids if they were being hurt by him or her
• Of his or her anger
• That he or she would give me a disease.

Living with such fears inevitably leads the co-addict to attempt to control the addict’s behavior. Their unconscious rationale is that if she can keep him or her within certain parameters of behavior, they won’t have to experience their fears of inadequacy and of being abandoned. In reality, such attempts are about as effective as trying to keep the dam from bursting by running around and sticking a finger in the many holes that keep appearing. Nevertheless, the co-addict repeatedly attempts to control the addict with such behaviors as:

• calling or messaging him several times a day in order to find out where he or she is;
• checking the addict’s wallet or purse for tell-tale evidence;
• going through credit card receipts;
• checking items of clothing for evidence of sexual promiscuity;
• or throwing away the addicts stash of pornographic material;
• the co-addict may also become hyper-vigilant in regulating what imagery the addict is gazing upon;
• they may also attempt to manipulate the addict’s behavior with a variety of behaviors including acting overly understanding and/or becoming a complainer/nagger and/or a screamer-yeller. None of which work.

The Partner Has a Debilitating Condition Too.
It is important, therefore, to recognize that not only does the addict have a disease and developed an irrational way of living and being, but the co-addict has as well. Each person will need treatment and help in seeking healing for their broken hearts and erasing or ameliorating the dysfunctional messages they learned during childhood and adolescence that predisposed them to their respective diseases and the unfortunate consequences.

The addict is responsible for their disease and recovery efforts. However, the addict taking charge of their life WILL NOT disrupt the co-addict’s beliefs and learned behavior of pleasing and controlling. The co-addicts belief system was developed long before the sexual addict came on the scene, although the consequences of the co-addicts beliefs may have intensified in the relationship. Therefore, the “baggage” stays unless both the sexual addict and co-addict get help. Even leaving the relationship will not erase the co-addict’s needs to deal with their issues. Time and again, research has indicated that even when a co-addict leaves a relationship, they almost always pick someone else similar in characteristics to the last partner. Without help, this is the way the co-addict lives their life.

What the Partner Experiences.
For the relationship partner of a sexual addict, it can be a painful process experiencing the powerlessness of the addict’s out of control behavior. Whether the partner is male or female or the relationship is heterosexual, gay or lesbian, the dynamics are the same. That is, the partner may not know what the addict is involved in, but they do know something is amiss. If the partner tries to discuss their feelings of uncertainty and confusion with the addict, they will usually deny adamantly that anything is happening. Often the addict will tell their partner that they are imagining things, and that everything’s all right. The primary dynamic here is a denial of the partner’s feelings.

If, on the other hand, the partner has found out that the addict is acting out sexually and confronts them, the addict may attack their partner, telling them that if they were not so (demanding, withholding, out of touch with the times, etc.) there would be no problem. The primary dynamic here is that the partner or co-addict somehow is to blame for the addict’s behavior. Either way, nothing changes. Most partners describe these processes as “confusing”, “making me feel crazy”, and “I don’t know what truth is and what a lie is”.

Roots of the Partner’s Behavior.
The addict and co-addict are usually people with a broken heart who have become self-reliant in the pursuit of medicating their pain and getting their unmet childhood needs met.

The roots of the co-addict’s behavior again lie in childhood. One can usually trace this behavior back to unmet needs, unresolved hurts, or unresolved issues from childhood. Co-addicts have often grown up in families with addictive behavior patterns well established and the co-addict is very often trying to “fix” what was wrong with their family. The word “rescuer” is often applicable to the co-addict.

The co-addict often casts themselves in the role of the victim. If the addict would only change everything would be all right. “If he/she loved me he/she would change”. The co-addict is often overtly and/or covertly controlling and manipulating which are character traits usually traceable back to family of origin modeling. They are convinced that the problem is solely within the addict and not themselves.

What the co-addict doesn’t know is that their partner has a disease called sexual addiction and that they also have a disease called co-sex addiction or co-dependency. Neither is responsible for the other and neither can fix the other.